Procrastination

Some days you just scratch your head and wonder why or what is next. The last few days I have had a bad bought of the procrastination bug. I just feel there is so much to be done and I just don't know where to start. I always feel that writing helps me get to where I need to go and making it public holds me accountable. So here you have it.

The last post, I stated that I wanted to stay in the fitness industry which hasn't changed. It looks like we will be keeping our Curves locations for a little longer as we are kinda stuck in our leases. This will give me the opportunity to stay in the fitness realm. I am going in March to become certified to teach Zumba, which I am looking forward to. I am also studying for my personal trainer certification which I am hoping to take in April. These will be great to have in my pocket. There are some other areas of fitness that I can explore but I need to tell myself, one at a time.

I have been feeling very stressed about things the last few days and I keep reminding myself that I need to give it to God. It is much easier said than done. Things tend to work itself out in the end but I am not seeing the light. I am going to have to pray more about it and keep that faith a-going! I think that is part of the procrastination. I have ideas but I just need that little bit of forward momentum.

As you might know, we are going to be adopting a little girl who is due in about 9 days from now! We are certainly excited but we are a little cautious from what happened last time. To keep up with my writing, I have decided to write her a poem everyday for her first year. That will be 365 new pieces that I can share with her. It is a big task but I think it will be something special for her. I will share that blog with you when I get to have my first post.

As for writing, our bible study group gave me a good idea about something. I can't share it yet but it could be a great idea.

Until next time, keep smiling!

Make a difference

People are always talking about something happening, good or bad, for a reason though most of the time we never know what that reason is. I know many things have occurred in my life and I never know why though I know it is the right thing without a doubt.
I have always had an uncanny ability to know what is probably going to happen in the future. It is hard to explain and it isn't that I see a clear picture, it is more of a gut feeling. Sometimes I welcome those feelings and other times I try to ignore them and hope that it is just me being overly cautious. Looking back at these times, I have come to the realization that God is leading me down a path and those feelings are His way of directing me down a path.
Pastor Rick said that when there are challenging times your life, it is during those hours that defines who we are as a person. Some people will let the world happen to them while others take this opportunity to make something happen in the world. It is up to us to really look deep inside and see what lesson we are learning in hard situations and think of how we can use them to our advantage. Who might be going through the same thing and just need an encouraging word to give them a boost? How do I make sure this won't happen again?
Everyday is a learning lesson and each day we get stronger. Sometimes people know what they are to become in life and others it takes awhile. They are decent at doing a few things but just have a hard time finding their passion.
I had a moment this past week at work. I thought that I was just "getting by" with my business and just waiting for the next thing. One of my members at the gym came to celebrate her one year of being a member and asked me to do her monthly weigh and measure. After we were done, and we looked at how incredibly well she had done a little light went on in my head. Actually it was more of a flood light. Seeing the sheer joy and happiness that my member was experiencing and her thanking me for being there for support filled me with such an overwhelming feeling of contentment. I always knew that God wanted me to help people and Him putting Curves into my life has given me that opportunity. It has lit a fire that I didn't know was there. I am now eager to get certified in as many aspects of fitness and open a new gym that helps men, women and children. My gut feeling is that God wants me to travel down this path. I am not sure how I am going to get it done and I am scared about the money aspect but that is when we need to look to God and trust that He has a plan. I am letting Him into those rooms of my life and releasing my fears. There is a plan and there are people that need my help and I want to make a difference.....I will make a difference.

A new year means new hope



The start of 2011 has a different feel than any other in the past. Maybe because we know that this year will being the most significant changes to our lives. We know that we will probably start our family this year through adoption which will be a miracle in itself after so many years of trying. Also finding direction that my life is supposed to follow will be set this year. For so many years, I have been bumping along doing what I need to get by and the interest of many things have caught my eye. We have had some great church services that the message is setting up the next few years.

Everyone has a destiny and a reason that they are here. We have mission to accomplish and if we let the world go by, how many other people are missing out because we dropped the ball on our part. I have always felt drawn to helping people in need and making an impact. I will prayerfully seek out my future and make sure that I don't miss out on my destiny. There are goals to be reached and I will get there.

While at church this past weekend, Pastor Rick said that he had a year that he was completely depressed and it took everything he has just to get through the day. He persevered and what he has accomplished in his life is truly amazing. He had a vision and with a lot of faith and determination, he has grown a church that has helped millions of people. Saddleback has not reached every nation in the world to spread the word of God and help others who are in dire need. What would have happened if he just wallowed in is depression and gave up on his destiny? How many people would still be in dire straights and not have any glimmer of hope. What if God is leading me to do something and I don't follow through?

So with hope and a prayer, I am taking this year and making it the best year yet. I am going to take the visions I have and not be scared of how big they are and take baby steps to achieve them. There will be a way and I know that I am meant to do big things.

Bring it on......

The lowest point

Adoption is full of legal risks which actually equate to emotional risks in the adoption realm. We knew the emotional pitfalls getting into the game but we put that in the back of our mind and moved forward. Here is the beginning of our story.

February 2, 2010 we passed our home inspection and were finally put onto the list after racing through the mounds of paperwork. We were so excited but we knew this could be a 12-14 month wait if not longer so we were in it for the long haul. Our time on the waiting list didn't really pass our minds too much because we were mentally prepared for a long wait. We received a few emails letting us know that our portfolio had been shown to expectant families but we didn't pay much attention because we were afraid of getting our hopes up. We thought that the more couples looked at our portfolio, it was one step closer to the jackpot.

We finally received a phone call towards the end of July that we were asked to meet with a birth mom! We didn't dare tell anyone because we wanted to surprise our families if we received good news. This expectant mom (e-mom) was from the Chicago area and just recently found out she was pregnant though she was due in October and was just feeling out adoption. She had already met with some families that live in Chicago but wanted to keep her options open. The situation wasn't ideal but we didn't want to let it pass us by so we agreed to set up a meeting. We were excited but preparing ourselves to not get emotionally attached as we knew the likelihood of this one not panning out.

July 29, we got another phone call that through us for a loop. There was a local couple who had been looking at our profile and wanted to meet with us. They had looked at a lot of portfolios but they really wanted to meet us and not with anyone else. It was a better sounding situation so our social worker advised us that we should bow out of the other meeting as the e-mom wasn't 100% sure on adoption as this couple was. So we switched mental gears knowing we would be entering into a possible relationship with this new couple.

The morning of the big meeting, August 9, 2010, Brandon and I felt so nervous that we thought we were going to puke. What do you say to someone who is interviewing you to raise their child? What if they don't like us? What if it doesn't work out? We sat in Panera waiting for them to arrive. We were seated in such a way that we could keep watch to see them coming. After an agonizing 10 minute wait, we see them approaching. My first thought was, boy they look young but seem like a sweet couple. As they entered, I jumped up and hugged the social worker and the expectant parents. I realized hugging strangers isn't a fabulous first impression but my emotions got the best of me. I was hoping that didn't scare them, eeek. We sat down with some snacks and immediately fell into a easy conversation and we felt as if we had known these kids for years. They seemed that they needed a good role model and some support of older people as they had been let down many times in the past. We felt that God had put us in their lives for a reason so we took that as a good sign and a mission for ourselves. After our meeting things were very upbeat and we were optimistic that we were chosen.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010, we got the official thumbs up and we were going to be parents in October! We were thrilled to pieces and told our small group from church since we had a meeting that night. On our way home, we picked up some pink champagne and stopped by Brandon's parents house to surprise them. It was an amazing feeling to be able to tell everyone that we were going to be a mommy and daddy!

My parents were on an Alaskan vacation so we had to wait to tell them on Saturday. We got them two pink flowers with a note saying, "I can't wait to meet you in October, love your grand baby." A good cry was had by all.

Over the course of the next few months, Brandon and I were becoming very attached to this couple and we felt that they were making such a mature decision after everything that they had been through. She was very adamant that she didn't want to bring the baby up in the environment that they were living in and thought we would make amazing parents. She kept repeating her reasons to us and we encouraged her that we would be part of their lives and the baby would know what amazing people brought her into this world. The thought of her changing her mind briefly came into the forefront but when it did, both the e-parents reiterated the reasons for choosing adoption. We often felt reassured by them expressing their thoughts and feelings.

October 9, 2010, we were pulling out of the driveway for Church when we got THE message! The e-mom was on the way to the hospital because her water broke! Holy moly! We rushed inside and changed our clothes and raced to the hospital . That was the longest 35 minute drive ever. When we arrived at the hospital, the nurses informed us the e-mom was still under observation. The e-dad finally texted us that the baby was breach and sunny side up and an emergency c-section was going to be taking place. Brandon and I were very concerned and just wanted to be there to support the mom. We finally talked the nurses into letting us in to see her before the surgery. I was able to go first and when I walked in, I was greeted with strange looks from the nurses who were running around getting their paperwork done and seemed very flustered. One nurse said to me, "We just found out the mom was placing for adoption, the doctor didn't even know so we need to get our ducks in a row first. You just need to be patient," as she brushed past me. I looked at the mom confused and asked her why the doctor didn't know. She said that she didn't know the doctor needed to know or that it was his business. It was truly a mess and I felt so out of place. Finally they let Brandon in to say hi and then would allow me to go into the surgery room but not without more strange looks from the staff.

The c-section was fascinating and I took lots of pictures. You couldn't help but fall in love with the little baby right away. After I was let out of the surgery room, I raced over to Brandon and gave him the biggest hug ever. Once again, another good cry was had by everyone. We couldn't believe we were finally looking at our daughter. She was precious.

The time that the mom was recovering in the hospital, the baby never left her side. The hospital didn't have a nursery for her to send the baby and the mom said she wouldn't have let her go away even if there was. We could easily see the attachment happening and I started to get very leery about the situation. The mom and dad wouldn't put her down and we had to ask to hold the baby when we were there. If they left the room for two seconds, they raced in and asked how the baby was. It was actually a little bit annoying to tell you the truth. I had a bad feeling deep inside that this was all falling apart at the seams. I had voiced it to our social worker and to Brandon and we all agreed that it is God's plan and we needed to be strong no matter what way this story unfolded. We started to feel more and more out of place when we came to visit and were so anxious to get our daughter home so we could get to know her. Being at the hospital, I felt like an intruder and I felt out of place even wanting to hold her.

Discharge day, Wednesday couldn't have come any slower. Signing the papers for the adoption were scary and exciting and bitter sweet. We had become so close to the parents that we felt the pain of what they had to do as well. We all took comfort in knowing that we would see each other soon. Walking out to the cars was just so very emotional. The parents were in tears and of course Brandon and I were a mess. We gave them long hugs and thanked them for the gift that they had given to us. We had no idea how to end the conversation. We watched as they drove away and we dissolved into tears again.

On our way home, we stopped by Brandon's grandma's house so she could see her great grandchild. What joy we saw in her eyes! What an exciting moment as Brandon thinks the world of his grandma.

About 3:30pm we were finally headed home and we received a text from the birth parents asking if we got home safe and how the baby was doing. I thought it kinda strange that they would contact us so soon so I texted back assuring them all was well. We were greeted at home by Brandon's parents and Aunt and we took lots of pictures and began settling in. It was so much fun to introduce the baby to Brandon's sister when she came over after work. While we were sitting talking at 5pm, my phone rang and it was the birth mom. She said that her friend was going to be in Mission Viejo on Saturday and would it be ok if he dropped the birth parents off to visit for the day. My heart sunk and I told her I thought it would be ok but it was really soon and that we needed some space. I told her that I would give her a call back. I quickly called our social worker and before I could even finish, she said a visit was absolutely out of the question. I called the mom back and explained that we needed some space and time to bond since we didn't get that during the first nine months. We were going to be limiting even family as was typical for for adoption and we just couldn't' have another emotional day like today. I told her we would have a barbecue later in the month and we all could hang out. She apologized for asking and then said good bye.

I had such an unsettled feeling after that phone call. We just felt yucky that we had to say no. Yes I used the word yucky, I am just not sure how else to describe it.

We felt better after my parents came for a visit. It was a lot of fun introducing them and seeing them hold the baby for the first time. They made a short stay to give us our space and left a little before 8pm.

By this time, Brandon and I were starving. I thought I was going to gnaw off my arm. He laid down on the couch with the baby while I prepared some pasta. About 8:05pm, my phone rang and it was our social worker. My first thought was she called to see how our conversation went about the Saturday meeting. I will never forget her voice on the phone, "Jenn, I'm calling with not so good news. They want the baby back." My heart instantly broke into a million tiny pieces and I numbly walked to the living room. Brandon knew immediately and just kept saying, no, no no. The social worker would be coming right away to take her back so we wouldn't have to prolong this. She told me some other things but honestly, I am not sure what she said.

I don't know how to even describe what we were feeling. We had lost our child that we had bonded with if even for a short time. We felt anger for the birth parents for pulling us into this and then ripping our hearts out. We felt used by them and thought that 8 months of mature, rational decisions were overshadowed by 5 hours of emotions.

Making the phone calls to our families was heart wrenching. I don't think they could have gotten to our house any faster to be with us. Brandon's family started to de-baby the house while my parents comforted us. 9:15pm the social workers came and sat us down to speak with us and our families. We prayed hard that God would show us a reason sometime of why this happened and that the birth parents would have the means to take care of her and keep her safe. Handing her back to the social worker was one of the toughest thing I ever had to do. I told the baby to make sure she overcame any obstacle and the she was to make her mark in the world. I let her know there are many people out there who need a little love and kindess and to embrace them. I asked her to study hard and follow her dreams. The social workers kept it together until they got out of our house and they both dissolved into tears with us. I couldn't imagine having to do their job.

The next few days were full of tears and emotions ranging from grief to anger to despair and every other horrible unfathomable emotion in between. Not once did we lose our faith in God. We knew that He had us their for a reason and we needed to trust in Him that there was a master plan.

We gave ourselves the two days to be in the pain and said that Saturday we needed to piece our lives back together. We went to Church and to brunch with some very good friends and tried to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We felt that we needed to give ourselves hope and be put back on the list immediately. We didn't want this situation to stall us from having our family that we so desperately want.

As the weeks progressed, the anger and sadness faded and the hope returned. During this ordeal, Brandon and I grew stronger as a couple and our faith in God helped lift us out of the fog. We are so excited to see who little angel He has planned to join our family.

This was by the the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. Having a failed placement is akin to losing a child. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better but just being their for us and praying and supporting is all that we need. So, our story continues....

Adoption = lots of paperwork

Ok, I am back to my normal blogging. I might infuse some poetry or other creative writing here and there. I wanted to be able to share this journey with my friends and family. So here it goes....


Well it has been a year since we started the infertility treatments and almost 4 years of trying to start a family. We are so excited to say that we have decided to begin the adoption process.

I have always known that I would adopt and it feels like such a natural way for us to start our family. It took a little while for Brandon to get on board but after realizing that God has a plan that was different that what he had planned, he is very excited.

We finally finished our mounds of paperwork today!! We sent it all in and they are going to call us next week to start our homestudy portion. That involves four interviews with the last one being at our house to inspect and make sure it is ready for a little one to join us. After we pass that, we are going to be put on the list of potential adoptive parents for expective mothers and fathers to be introduced to us. We will then meet with them if they are interested or not meet with us. It depends on what they want. We are very excited but a little nervous at the same time. There is so much unknown in this process and we could be waiting from a year to two years to be chosen. That sounds like a long time but atleast we know what the final outcome will be. The other scary part is that the birthmother has anywhere from 10-30 days to change her mind and want her baby back! YIKES. We know that God has a plan and we are resting our faith in Him to get us through the process.

So here is to 2010! It is going to be an amazing year and who knows...there could be another Norton running around our house by the end of it all!!

Ice Skating

Winter was finally loosening its frozen grip on the city. Small drops of water were forming at the bottom of icicles that had adorned the rooftops for the past 3 months. The sun was trying to claim its right in the sky by breaking through the blanket of clouds that shrouded the area for so long. It’s rays bounced off the frozen canals beckoning the children to come out and play. After many months of a harsh winter, kids were finally able to go outside and greet their friends.
The sleepy city was coming alive with people ready to get out and about. Dads were on their way to work and moms were on their way to the market. The kids could hardly wait to go ice skating on the frozen canals. Shrieks of delight were heard all over the city as they scooted across the icy playground.
Not everyone was able to go and play though. In a house not to far from the festivities, two pairs of eyes longingly gazed out the front window. The older sister was trying her hardest to look as if she couldn’t care less while the other glared at her homework wishing it would finish itself. Their mother and father were both doctors and there was to be no play unless their homework was complete and correct. Not only that, they both had to practice their instruments for at least two hours. Margaretha, the younger sister was the active one of the two and she was fit to be tied that she couldn’t be out with her friends.
As the sun was retiring from it’s watch over the city, street lamps slowly flickered on. The canal house was silent except for the scratching of pencils from the two young girls. Their parents had stepped out for the evening and they were alone with the nanny. Nora, the older sister, dropped her pencil and grabbed her sister. “Mam and Pop are out for at least three hours, we can skate for at least an hour and no one will know! Rita, you need to talk to Nanny and tell her our plan.”
The quiet cove off the canal hadn’t been skated on all day though the sun shown brightly in this deserted corner. The two young sisters laced up their skates and reveled in their short time of freedom. Rita was moving further ahead when she heard a heart stopping crack. She turned to find Nora motionless in her tracks with a look of shear terror. In a blink of an eye, the ice dropped out from underneath her. Nora plunged into the ice cold water while Rita scrambled to get to her, yelling for Nannny. Rita grabbed at the gloved hand that was bobbing up from the water and then it disappeared and an eerie silence settled over the canal. Rita slid on her belly over the ice to see if she could follow where her sister was floating to. She saw Nora’s red jacket a few feet from the hole and stuck her body in as Nanny quickly grabbed her waist. She hauled the young girls up with all her might. They lay on the ice trying to catch their breath but didn’t wait too long to get out of sight.
Nanny put their jackets near the furnace in the basement to dry off in hopes that their mother and father wouldn’t find out that they disobeyed them and went outside. Both sisters had a hard time sleeping that night, realizing that they came so close to dying. They thanked God many times in their prayers that night. The scene played over in their heads like a nightmare that wouldn’t go away.
“Nora, Margaretha it is time to go to school.” Mother demanded up the stairs in the early morning. Nanny fetched their jackets from the basement. She had a look of dread as she handed the girls their coats. Nora tried putting hers on but quickly came to the conclusion that they were in big trouble. Margaretha took her coat and tried to cover the fact that her new coat was now a few sizes to small. “Blast that furnace,” she muttered under her breath.
Father cleared his throat behind the girls and they both turned slowly to face him. They had been caught red handed.

The Canals

Fall is quickly approaching. The shadows become longer and the nights are starting earlier. The lazy, carefree days of summer have turned into a slightly more scripted kind of living. The city seems to transform itself into a new creature each season. She smiles as young school children run to tell their waiting parents what they learned that day in school. Some of the kids turn her way and wave and others look away quickly.
A bitter wind begins biting at her cheeks as she perches on a bench overlooking the canal. She pulls out her notebook and begins soaking in Amsterdam in the fall. Another gust comes and ruffles her papers. She glances out towards the ocean and sees an ominous wall of dark clouds rapidly advancing.
The tall canal houses lining the waterways form a picture that looks like playhouses ready to host a tea party. Pointy roofs or flat and grand on top, each building is unique and mysterious. The sun is still shinning enough to cast their reflection on the canals below making a mirror image of this toy village. They are all made of red brick though some are beginning to show their age with various stages of fading, while others have been painted a dark red. It is only by color that you can tell they are all individual. The tall rectangle windows gracing the front of each building are like portals into another world, another story that needs to be told. One bye one, the windows are being shut to block out the onslaught of chilly gusts from the advancing storm and the lights being turned on to ward off the darkness.
Margaretha briefly closes her eyes and reopens them in order to take in the story playing out in front of her. The people dressed in long coats, were walking swiftly over the slippery, rugged brown and grey cobblestone streets trying to get to their destination before the deluge. The street lights were beginning to cast their glow on the city. Bikes were noisily complaining while being navigated through the rough terrain and cars swiftly traversing through the too busy streets. The canal boats were quickly motoring in to dock for the evening and the large ships were steaming towards the safety of the harbor. Everyone and everything was on a mission and moved together seamlessly through an orderly chaos. She feels like a small puzzle piece in a grand picture that only she is able to appreciate.
The rain approaches like a curtain covering a window. She slowly stands up and gathers her notebook and belongings. She begins winding her way through the rain sodden streets, dodging cars, bikes and people while humming a new song that she was sure to be an emotional piece. She is anxious to sit in front of her cello and create her new work and hopefully be able to share it with others soon.