The lowest point

Adoption is full of legal risks which actually equate to emotional risks in the adoption realm. We knew the emotional pitfalls getting into the game but we put that in the back of our mind and moved forward. Here is the beginning of our story.

February 2, 2010 we passed our home inspection and were finally put onto the list after racing through the mounds of paperwork. We were so excited but we knew this could be a 12-14 month wait if not longer so we were in it for the long haul. Our time on the waiting list didn't really pass our minds too much because we were mentally prepared for a long wait. We received a few emails letting us know that our portfolio had been shown to expectant families but we didn't pay much attention because we were afraid of getting our hopes up. We thought that the more couples looked at our portfolio, it was one step closer to the jackpot.

We finally received a phone call towards the end of July that we were asked to meet with a birth mom! We didn't dare tell anyone because we wanted to surprise our families if we received good news. This expectant mom (e-mom) was from the Chicago area and just recently found out she was pregnant though she was due in October and was just feeling out adoption. She had already met with some families that live in Chicago but wanted to keep her options open. The situation wasn't ideal but we didn't want to let it pass us by so we agreed to set up a meeting. We were excited but preparing ourselves to not get emotionally attached as we knew the likelihood of this one not panning out.

July 29, we got another phone call that through us for a loop. There was a local couple who had been looking at our profile and wanted to meet with us. They had looked at a lot of portfolios but they really wanted to meet us and not with anyone else. It was a better sounding situation so our social worker advised us that we should bow out of the other meeting as the e-mom wasn't 100% sure on adoption as this couple was. So we switched mental gears knowing we would be entering into a possible relationship with this new couple.

The morning of the big meeting, August 9, 2010, Brandon and I felt so nervous that we thought we were going to puke. What do you say to someone who is interviewing you to raise their child? What if they don't like us? What if it doesn't work out? We sat in Panera waiting for them to arrive. We were seated in such a way that we could keep watch to see them coming. After an agonizing 10 minute wait, we see them approaching. My first thought was, boy they look young but seem like a sweet couple. As they entered, I jumped up and hugged the social worker and the expectant parents. I realized hugging strangers isn't a fabulous first impression but my emotions got the best of me. I was hoping that didn't scare them, eeek. We sat down with some snacks and immediately fell into a easy conversation and we felt as if we had known these kids for years. They seemed that they needed a good role model and some support of older people as they had been let down many times in the past. We felt that God had put us in their lives for a reason so we took that as a good sign and a mission for ourselves. After our meeting things were very upbeat and we were optimistic that we were chosen.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010, we got the official thumbs up and we were going to be parents in October! We were thrilled to pieces and told our small group from church since we had a meeting that night. On our way home, we picked up some pink champagne and stopped by Brandon's parents house to surprise them. It was an amazing feeling to be able to tell everyone that we were going to be a mommy and daddy!

My parents were on an Alaskan vacation so we had to wait to tell them on Saturday. We got them two pink flowers with a note saying, "I can't wait to meet you in October, love your grand baby." A good cry was had by all.

Over the course of the next few months, Brandon and I were becoming very attached to this couple and we felt that they were making such a mature decision after everything that they had been through. She was very adamant that she didn't want to bring the baby up in the environment that they were living in and thought we would make amazing parents. She kept repeating her reasons to us and we encouraged her that we would be part of their lives and the baby would know what amazing people brought her into this world. The thought of her changing her mind briefly came into the forefront but when it did, both the e-parents reiterated the reasons for choosing adoption. We often felt reassured by them expressing their thoughts and feelings.

October 9, 2010, we were pulling out of the driveway for Church when we got THE message! The e-mom was on the way to the hospital because her water broke! Holy moly! We rushed inside and changed our clothes and raced to the hospital . That was the longest 35 minute drive ever. When we arrived at the hospital, the nurses informed us the e-mom was still under observation. The e-dad finally texted us that the baby was breach and sunny side up and an emergency c-section was going to be taking place. Brandon and I were very concerned and just wanted to be there to support the mom. We finally talked the nurses into letting us in to see her before the surgery. I was able to go first and when I walked in, I was greeted with strange looks from the nurses who were running around getting their paperwork done and seemed very flustered. One nurse said to me, "We just found out the mom was placing for adoption, the doctor didn't even know so we need to get our ducks in a row first. You just need to be patient," as she brushed past me. I looked at the mom confused and asked her why the doctor didn't know. She said that she didn't know the doctor needed to know or that it was his business. It was truly a mess and I felt so out of place. Finally they let Brandon in to say hi and then would allow me to go into the surgery room but not without more strange looks from the staff.

The c-section was fascinating and I took lots of pictures. You couldn't help but fall in love with the little baby right away. After I was let out of the surgery room, I raced over to Brandon and gave him the biggest hug ever. Once again, another good cry was had by everyone. We couldn't believe we were finally looking at our daughter. She was precious.

The time that the mom was recovering in the hospital, the baby never left her side. The hospital didn't have a nursery for her to send the baby and the mom said she wouldn't have let her go away even if there was. We could easily see the attachment happening and I started to get very leery about the situation. The mom and dad wouldn't put her down and we had to ask to hold the baby when we were there. If they left the room for two seconds, they raced in and asked how the baby was. It was actually a little bit annoying to tell you the truth. I had a bad feeling deep inside that this was all falling apart at the seams. I had voiced it to our social worker and to Brandon and we all agreed that it is God's plan and we needed to be strong no matter what way this story unfolded. We started to feel more and more out of place when we came to visit and were so anxious to get our daughter home so we could get to know her. Being at the hospital, I felt like an intruder and I felt out of place even wanting to hold her.

Discharge day, Wednesday couldn't have come any slower. Signing the papers for the adoption were scary and exciting and bitter sweet. We had become so close to the parents that we felt the pain of what they had to do as well. We all took comfort in knowing that we would see each other soon. Walking out to the cars was just so very emotional. The parents were in tears and of course Brandon and I were a mess. We gave them long hugs and thanked them for the gift that they had given to us. We had no idea how to end the conversation. We watched as they drove away and we dissolved into tears again.

On our way home, we stopped by Brandon's grandma's house so she could see her great grandchild. What joy we saw in her eyes! What an exciting moment as Brandon thinks the world of his grandma.

About 3:30pm we were finally headed home and we received a text from the birth parents asking if we got home safe and how the baby was doing. I thought it kinda strange that they would contact us so soon so I texted back assuring them all was well. We were greeted at home by Brandon's parents and Aunt and we took lots of pictures and began settling in. It was so much fun to introduce the baby to Brandon's sister when she came over after work. While we were sitting talking at 5pm, my phone rang and it was the birth mom. She said that her friend was going to be in Mission Viejo on Saturday and would it be ok if he dropped the birth parents off to visit for the day. My heart sunk and I told her I thought it would be ok but it was really soon and that we needed some space. I told her that I would give her a call back. I quickly called our social worker and before I could even finish, she said a visit was absolutely out of the question. I called the mom back and explained that we needed some space and time to bond since we didn't get that during the first nine months. We were going to be limiting even family as was typical for for adoption and we just couldn't' have another emotional day like today. I told her we would have a barbecue later in the month and we all could hang out. She apologized for asking and then said good bye.

I had such an unsettled feeling after that phone call. We just felt yucky that we had to say no. Yes I used the word yucky, I am just not sure how else to describe it.

We felt better after my parents came for a visit. It was a lot of fun introducing them and seeing them hold the baby for the first time. They made a short stay to give us our space and left a little before 8pm.

By this time, Brandon and I were starving. I thought I was going to gnaw off my arm. He laid down on the couch with the baby while I prepared some pasta. About 8:05pm, my phone rang and it was our social worker. My first thought was she called to see how our conversation went about the Saturday meeting. I will never forget her voice on the phone, "Jenn, I'm calling with not so good news. They want the baby back." My heart instantly broke into a million tiny pieces and I numbly walked to the living room. Brandon knew immediately and just kept saying, no, no no. The social worker would be coming right away to take her back so we wouldn't have to prolong this. She told me some other things but honestly, I am not sure what she said.

I don't know how to even describe what we were feeling. We had lost our child that we had bonded with if even for a short time. We felt anger for the birth parents for pulling us into this and then ripping our hearts out. We felt used by them and thought that 8 months of mature, rational decisions were overshadowed by 5 hours of emotions.

Making the phone calls to our families was heart wrenching. I don't think they could have gotten to our house any faster to be with us. Brandon's family started to de-baby the house while my parents comforted us. 9:15pm the social workers came and sat us down to speak with us and our families. We prayed hard that God would show us a reason sometime of why this happened and that the birth parents would have the means to take care of her and keep her safe. Handing her back to the social worker was one of the toughest thing I ever had to do. I told the baby to make sure she overcame any obstacle and the she was to make her mark in the world. I let her know there are many people out there who need a little love and kindess and to embrace them. I asked her to study hard and follow her dreams. The social workers kept it together until they got out of our house and they both dissolved into tears with us. I couldn't imagine having to do their job.

The next few days were full of tears and emotions ranging from grief to anger to despair and every other horrible unfathomable emotion in between. Not once did we lose our faith in God. We knew that He had us their for a reason and we needed to trust in Him that there was a master plan.

We gave ourselves the two days to be in the pain and said that Saturday we needed to piece our lives back together. We went to Church and to brunch with some very good friends and tried to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We felt that we needed to give ourselves hope and be put back on the list immediately. We didn't want this situation to stall us from having our family that we so desperately want.

As the weeks progressed, the anger and sadness faded and the hope returned. During this ordeal, Brandon and I grew stronger as a couple and our faith in God helped lift us out of the fog. We are so excited to see who little angel He has planned to join our family.

This was by the the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. Having a failed placement is akin to losing a child. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better but just being their for us and praying and supporting is all that we need. So, our story continues....